Dismantle. Repair.

"Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change"

Hello children. Things have changed. J and I are no longer together. We got engaged and bought the house in June. By September, I moved out and am now trying to sell the ring. What went wrong? you ask. Oh everything. He decided to tell me he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship. And deep down, I knew I felt the same way. But I took it hard anyway. I guess because I had put all this hard work into something and it failed. As everything else in my life has done. I don't know. I'm trying to make sense of life. Stupid of me I know. *sigh* Now I'm picking up the pieces. Moved in with D (his sister) cause I really had nowhere else to go. Oh sure. He told me I could stay in the house. But come on. How realistic is that? Of course, living with one of his family members isn't exactly smart, either. Whatever. Its working for me right now. I guess that's the important thing. Now dear reader, don't mistake my tone for me wishing him and I were back together. No no no. That is not it at all. I kick myself for staying as long as I did. I had SO many opportunities to cut rope and sail. I'm upset with myself for not having a good reason as to why. WHY DID YOU STAY? I don't know. Beats the shit out of me.

I have been looking for a job for what seems like a year. And with the shape the economy is in, I picked the absolute WORST time to do so. Even in the medical field. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about going back to Paul Mitchell in the interim just so I'm not stuck at home all the fucking time. I mean, on the one hand its been good cause I've gotten to do stuff with theatre and spend time with the puppies. But on the other its driving me INSANE. I'd never make it as a stay at home mom or a welfare ho. I like lazy times...but enjoy being busy too. I wish life would cut me some slack here.

Even with all the crap I've been through, I've still managed to stay fairly optimistic. And I've not developed a nasty drinking or drug habit. Small victories people. Small victories. I even started dating. I don't know why because I hate dating. Its like a shitty job interview with sex. Maybe. And most of the time, not even good sex. First guy I went out to dinner with was one I'd had a crush on for a long time. He worked at the ER. I thought we were having a great time. I went to the bathroom and came back and he had an "emergency" to take care of. Needless to say that was the only time I saw him. Hmph. Jerk. Next date was some dork who got pissed at me cause I wouldn't let him kiss me. Oh he was WEIRD. He pissed with the door open. Everytime he went, door open. Grossed me out. I finally kissed him (after having many beers back to back) and then...well...yeah I had sex. It was sad cause he's actually really good in bed. He wore manties though. And that's just unacceptable. Bleh. The thought actually makes me nauseous. Bachelor #3 was a guy originally from San Diego. Super sweet. Funny. Had a great chemistry. We had our first date on Halloween. How nuts is that? Leave it to me. He came over a couple days later and we hung out and yes, I slept with him too. What? I was sex deprived dammit. And he was good too. Big and snuggly. Few days after that, he ended up having to fly back to Cali to spend time with his sister who eventually passed. I hated that too cause I really liked him. Guy #4 is originally from Louisiana. We decided last Monday to go to Nashville for dinner. Monday rolls around and I don't feel well. Sure as hell didn't feel like going on a date. So I gave him some bogus excuse about my dog being sick. Mind you we had only been texting. So he called me. OOOOOOH. I'm not one for southern accents usually...but his drawl is to DIE for. Mmmmm. Anyhoo. We go to dinner the next night and have a fantastic time. He came over Thursday for a movie and I've pretty much been hanging with him nonstop. Cajun boy. Rawr. He's something else.

Am I trying to get serious? Oh fuck no. I'm really shocked I'm dating at all. I feel like I should be single longer. Well. Wait. I was single in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. Hmm. So no. I'm not looking for commitment. If it happens....awesome! If it doesn't....great! I just want to have fun. Be myself. Accomplish something like stamps in my passport. *sigh* We'll see. I know that this probably is my least coherent posting yet. Ugh. Welcome to my brain. Till next time my lovelies..