Dismantle. Repair.

"Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change"

Hello children. Things have changed. J and I are no longer together. We got engaged and bought the house in June. By September, I moved out and am now trying to sell the ring. What went wrong? you ask. Oh everything. He decided to tell me he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship. And deep down, I knew I felt the same way. But I took it hard anyway. I guess because I had put all this hard work into something and it failed. As everything else in my life has done. I don't know. I'm trying to make sense of life. Stupid of me I know. *sigh* Now I'm picking up the pieces. Moved in with D (his sister) cause I really had nowhere else to go. Oh sure. He told me I could stay in the house. But come on. How realistic is that? Of course, living with one of his family members isn't exactly smart, either. Whatever. Its working for me right now. I guess that's the important thing. Now dear reader, don't mistake my tone for me wishing him and I were back together. No no no. That is not it at all. I kick myself for staying as long as I did. I had SO many opportunities to cut rope and sail. I'm upset with myself for not having a good reason as to why. WHY DID YOU STAY? I don't know. Beats the shit out of me.

I have been looking for a job for what seems like a year. And with the shape the economy is in, I picked the absolute WORST time to do so. Even in the medical field. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about going back to Paul Mitchell in the interim just so I'm not stuck at home all the fucking time. I mean, on the one hand its been good cause I've gotten to do stuff with theatre and spend time with the puppies. But on the other its driving me INSANE. I'd never make it as a stay at home mom or a welfare ho. I like lazy times...but enjoy being busy too. I wish life would cut me some slack here.

Even with all the crap I've been through, I've still managed to stay fairly optimistic. And I've not developed a nasty drinking or drug habit. Small victories people. Small victories. I even started dating. I don't know why because I hate dating. Its like a shitty job interview with sex. Maybe. And most of the time, not even good sex. First guy I went out to dinner with was one I'd had a crush on for a long time. He worked at the ER. I thought we were having a great time. I went to the bathroom and came back and he had an "emergency" to take care of. Needless to say that was the only time I saw him. Hmph. Jerk. Next date was some dork who got pissed at me cause I wouldn't let him kiss me. Oh he was WEIRD. He pissed with the door open. Everytime he went, door open. Grossed me out. I finally kissed him (after having many beers back to back) and then...well...yeah I had sex. It was sad cause he's actually really good in bed. He wore manties though. And that's just unacceptable. Bleh. The thought actually makes me nauseous. Bachelor #3 was a guy originally from San Diego. Super sweet. Funny. Had a great chemistry. We had our first date on Halloween. How nuts is that? Leave it to me. He came over a couple days later and we hung out and yes, I slept with him too. What? I was sex deprived dammit. And he was good too. Big and snuggly. Few days after that, he ended up having to fly back to Cali to spend time with his sister who eventually passed. I hated that too cause I really liked him. Guy #4 is originally from Louisiana. We decided last Monday to go to Nashville for dinner. Monday rolls around and I don't feel well. Sure as hell didn't feel like going on a date. So I gave him some bogus excuse about my dog being sick. Mind you we had only been texting. So he called me. OOOOOOH. I'm not one for southern accents usually...but his drawl is to DIE for. Mmmmm. Anyhoo. We go to dinner the next night and have a fantastic time. He came over Thursday for a movie and I've pretty much been hanging with him nonstop. Cajun boy. Rawr. He's something else.

Am I trying to get serious? Oh fuck no. I'm really shocked I'm dating at all. I feel like I should be single longer. Well. Wait. I was single in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. Hmm. So no. I'm not looking for commitment. If it happens....awesome! If it doesn't....great! I just want to have fun. Be myself. Accomplish something like stamps in my passport. *sigh* We'll see. I know that this probably is my least coherent posting yet. Ugh. Welcome to my brain. Till next time my lovelies..

Why is that "freecreditreport.com" song so damn catchy?

So I suck at keeping these things up. I really do. BUT I've been inspired. Got some invite from Verve Earth (check out the link on the side of my profile). So I think I'll check back from time to time. Been busy just working and going to school. J and I are in the midst of buying a house. Pretty exciting time.

What's the deal with music lately? I've been trying to immerse myself into the scene, and there's some HORRIBLE shit going down. For instance, Duffy. I caught this video yesterday. I seriously have not heard anything so terrible in quite a while. Katy Perry runs a close second. I'm so sick of the "I'm a female who's a emo/hipster/guitar player/wannabe". And rock isn't getting much better. Are we on a 90's revival? Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together. Presidents of the USA released a new album and are playing the Crawfish Festival. I'm so underwhelmed by what is being put out right now. I've found a few stand outs (Framing Hanley, Panic At The Disco). Hell, Saosin's awesome but their CD is almost 2 years old. Don't even get me started on rap. I'm so over that applebottom jeans boots with tha fur/superman that ho yooooooooooooooooooooou crank dat souja boy. I'm hoping things are going to change soon.

Anyone as over election crap as I am? I feel this is the longest season yet. I don't know. Part of me doesn't even want to vote this year. And that's unusual for me. I'm so apathetic about the whole thing. Hell, moving to an island in the middle of nowhere is getting to be pretty tempting.

My mom contacted me a couple weeks back. Just wanted to let me know her and my step dad are divorcing over money issues. I couldn't help but laugh at the situation. I honestly don't know why. Its a hard thing to go through. *shrug* I talked to her for a bit and was going to call her later that day....but I just did not feel like it. I don't want to go through all that crap again. Its easier to just step back. Stay away.

I've been thinking about children a lot lately. I know I've always been anti-children. Its going to be practically impossible for me to get pregnant in the first place. I guess its always been easier to just say I don't want to try than to put myself through the heartbreak. I refuse to try fertility drugs or in vitro (I don't want a litter. I'm not a fucking dog). J says we'll adopt. But its not that easy. I guess we'll see.

Apparently Harvey Weinstein is partnering with Jim Henson productions to make a live action "Fraggle Rock" movie. Um, anyone else see the possible train wreck of this? A lot of the remakes from my childhood have been less than stellar. Sure, Transformers was entertaining and all, but Michael Bay is not the best choice for directing. He was lucky on that one. I don't know. I guess Hollywood is getting like the music industry and running out of ideas. So they turn to the remake. Its pathetic.

And as always, videos. Please to enjoy.

Sick sad world...

I'm a sad girl tonight. I took out the labret piercing. I just recently accepted a position at the new Belk's opening in the Avenue in October. *sigh* I have to play the corporate game..which means taking out the piercing and hiding the tattoos. I feel miserable already. I attempted a horseshoe ring....but it wouldn't stay in. I finally just gave up. *pout*

I'm pushing really hard to get into the Paul Mitchell school. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope it happens. Just waiting to hear about financial aid. I guess it all comes down to whether or not GCI releases my hours. I have a feeling I'm going to be fighting them on this. Not to worry. They'll get theirs in the form of a nice little visit with State Board...possibly even lawyers. They've violated some rules. Hee hee. Go down in flames, bitches! Ugh. A school run by complete and total douchebag scum.

J is really trying to come home for good in January. Only thing is..he'll be going back out on a truck. Just what he was trying to avoid by going over to Iraq in the first place. Yay me. It's getting really hard to be a single taken girl.

I am sure EVERYONE (save a few people living in caves) has seen the whole Britney Spears debacle Sunday night. I was hopped up on pain killers and it sucked. I thought at first I was hallucinating. Why am I writing about this? I don't know. I guess it shows how much we suck as a culture. This girl went to the top FAST. And now we just wait till she hits rock bottom and tries to dig her way back to the top. We watch expectantly....glands salivating...rubbing our hands together. And I'm one of the worst. I absolutely hated her music. Hated everything about her. She was a robot for the corporate world. They've taken what they needed and tossed her aside like a skeezy hooker. Well...yeah. I have a feeling next year or two she'll be making a HUGE showing on the "county fair" circuit. It's pathetic really. I actually find myself feeling sorry for her. Poor retarded country girl given insane amounts of money and fame. OF COURSE she's going to go crazy and marry some loser and have 2 kids and shave her head and get drugged on supposedly one of the biggest nights of her career. Where am I going with this you ask? *sigh* I wish I knew. I guess I've lost my faith in humanity as a whole. I mean, we can't even support our own people out there fighting a war that's not their choice. Do I agree with what's going on in Iraq? No. These are people who have known nothing but oppression. How the hell is democracy going to work for them? They can't stop blowing each other up for chrissakes'. Hell...we don't even have democracy right. And we've been "practicing" it for over 200 years. Feh. Regardless of how you feel, those are our men and women over there. Doing what they're told. Support them. Let's stop spitting in each other's faces, shall we?

Well...I have rambled on enough tonight. I'm ending on this note....The Soup made their own video in answer to Chris Crocker's plea to leave Britney alone. Can you believe this guy? He's a little mental...Anyhoo...Please to enjoy... Till next time..

Seth Green Chris Crocker Outtakes

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Another sleepless night.....

Merriam-Webster Dictionary define's insomnia as " prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep".


That's me. For the past 2 months, I've been unable to get a good night's rest. I take that back. For about 5 years, I haven't been able to do it. Oh sure...there have been many nights I've come home and passed out from either over indulgence in alcohol or cold medication...but I don't really count those nights. The day after always proved to be "hangover" day.

I've tried just about everything. Cutting back on caffiene...refraining from heavy meals...Even cutting back *gasp* LIQUOR!!! to no avail. My doctor has pretty much begged me to go on Ambien. I tell him no fuckin way. I don't want another pill to take. I want to know WHY I'm not sleeping. Why my brain refuses to slow down for me to get at least 6 hours of sleep. Hell, even when I do go to sleep, my dreams are so vivid and adventerous, I wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed.

Tonight is no different. I had a pretty uneventful day. I went up to school to make sure I could take back the withdrawal form I put in...went and got my nails done...and did some highlights for J's mom. That took awhile. Woman has alot of hair. My feet and all were pretty tired when I was done. I came home...checked my email....and decided to go to bed. I fluffed my pillows, replaced my comforter, set the AC down low, and layed down. And stared at the ceiling. *blink blink* *blink blink* I ran through my mind the next four days. Why? I wish I knew. Cookie came and flopped on me wanting a belly rub. I obliged. I felt my eyes getting heavy. I rolled over (I'm a side sleeper) and.......stared at the wall.



I got up and decided to finish reading the book J wrote. As I was reading, I started getting sleepy. Not that the story was boring.....reading relaxes me. I finished the manuscript and threw it down and turned out the light. Nothing.

I get up and come to the computer. I pulled up Craigslist...same stupid sheeple bitching about tipping, black people, Jesus, and the government. I decided to pull up Perez's website. Mmm....celeb gossip is enough to get me in the mood for sleep. I click on the link and..........NO PAGE!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Very funny up there.....Veeeeeery funny indeed. Touche', God.


So apparantly Perezzer's site is down. And that makes O face sad. *pout* Yeah yeah yeah. Its my party and I'll cry if I want to.



As if this blog isn't punishment enough to read...here's one of my favorite videos:

I think I was a tranny in a past life. Go figure.

Welcome.....to my world. Be afraid.

Greetings....



I feel rather "behind the times" since I am JUST now signing up for a blog. Yeah...I've posted on myspace. But its become a bore to me now. Like a child who has grown tired of her shiny new toy. I even tried Facebook......yet to be annoyed and bored. So here I am gracing the intraweb with my little touch of fabulousness. Ha.

A bit about me:

-I'm 28. Born and raised in Pensacola, FL. I've always seen life outside the Sunshine state for myself. 2 1/2 years ago I FINALLY did it. I moved away for the last time. Yeah..it took me a couple times to get it right. Its the best thing I could have ever done.

-I live here with my boyfriend....or whatever. I hate the term boyfriend cause it sounds so causal. It evokes images that we've only been together for a few months and gladly tolerate each other till something better comes along. And he's definitely not my fiance' (oh you'll get acquainted with that later on). Anyhow..we have a house in Murfreesboro. *for those not familiar with Tennessee, its just east of Nashville* We have a dog who is the poster child, er...dog...for crack. I think she has a perma stash somewhere in our house. She's 12 pounds of amped up energy...kind of like Nicole Ritchie.

-I am a sometime cosmetology student. Sometime, you ask? Well I've been one for not going to school. TOTALLY out of character for me. Unfortunately we've had some "changes" I've not been too keen on. "Why not switch schools?" Oh...if only life were that simple. Not only do I have to pay present school almost $8000 to release my hours, I'd have to pay new school another $17,000. I just don't have that kind of money. I honestly don't have any money. Ha ha.

-Said boyfriend/whatever (referred to as J from here on out) is in Iraq. Voluntarily. Don't get me started.

-I have a messed up family life. My mother and I don't speak. It used to cause me all sorts of problems, but thanks to supportive friends and medication, it doesn't bother me anymore. And that should bother me....but it doesn't.

-I'm an emotional train wreck. Its been the downfall of many relationships. I can't help it. One thing is for sure...you will ALWAYS know how you stand with me.

-I hate women but love them at the same time. I think females are some of the most beautiful creatures God himself created. I hate the fact that they are some of the most backstabbing, superficial, brutal, hypocritical, stupid hoors alive.

-I hate gossip. I despise it. I won't stand for it. But...I'm OBSESSED with celebrity gossip. I could not tell you why. I guess cause its people I don't know. Perez Hilton and TMZ are visited by me frequently throughout the day.

- I love pin ups...almost to the point of obsession. I think I was born in the wrong era. No, I'm not some stupid hipster... A lot of my older friends refer to my as an "old soul".

-I also love tattoos. I have six. Four were done in a six month period. I like to look at other people's ink as well. Not a big fan of the barbed wires, butterflies, and hearts. And you will NEVER see me with some guys initials on me..no matter how good he hit it.

-I love music..but can't play an instrument. I have a pretty wide music collection. I always enjoy adding new bands to my Ipod's rotation.

-I'm a nerd at heart. I like technology. I like research. I play video games. I'm also turned on by muscle cars. Something about horsepower...hearing an engine growl. Gets my panties moist.


Well...that's all I can think to tell you for now. Feel free to ask anything you wish. Remember to tip your bartender's and waitresses. Till next time....